Patriots finally punished – for Spygate

Have you heard the one about how Tom Brady likes his balls a little softer to play with? It goes a little like this: Tom Brady and Bill Belichick illegally deflated their footballs to help them win the AFC championship game and now Brady is suspended for four games (at a financial loss of $2 million) and the Patriots will forfeit a 1st round pick in 2016 and a fourth-rounder in 2017.

Schottenfreude is probably the word that best describes how fans around the league are feeling. The Patriots are a supremely talented team and have been repeatedly busted for cheating. It sucks to lose any game in the NFL. It’s infuriating when you know your opponent isn’t playing by the same rules.

Some say Brady’s punishment is actually payback for Spygate, when the team was caught videotaping opposing teams’ play signals. The league wasn’t able to met out punishment fans wanted then and now they are exacting revenge.

In a controversial move John Harbaugh kisses Belichick on the mouth after a loss in January 2015

To be fair to those calling foul on Brady’s punishment, Ray Rice was initially suspended for two games after punching his fiance so hard she passed out then dragging her body out of an elevator – half the penalty the Patriot’s QB is facing. Goodell stood by the light sentence until public outcry forced a haphazard revision and harsher punishment for Rice. That video is still hard to watch, especially the jelly-like nature of her body flopping around as Rice tries to move her off the elevator.

Still, most the country is looking forward to watching a Brady-less Patriots navigate the first four games of season.

In lighter [Missed opportunity for fat joke here – ed.] news, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie managed to rack $300,000 in food an alcohol bills at sports events in the last five years, $87,594 at MetLife stadium alone. When asked about the costs Christie revealed that he is in fact Monty Brewster from Brewster’s millions and if he spends enough then he will inherit the state’s pension fund.

Pictured: Chris Christie

James and Love bicker, civil rights vs Indiana, and is baseball a real sport?

Lebron James and Kevin Love are in a rocky patch, relationship-wise. He’s the gregarious superstar, he’s the strong, silent type. The original odd couple!

Kevin Love (left) and Lebron James

Together, their hijinks on the court lead to improbable victories and many laughs high school-level tiffs (LeBron left Love out of his Instagram pic of the team) and a possible exit from the team by Love.

Kevin Love and LeBron James

The state of Indiana passed the Religious Freedom Restoration Act (RFRA) which has riled civil rights groups across the nation. Commentators ranging from LGBT organizations to Charles Barkley are calling for sanctions against the Hoosier state. Last week, Barkley said the 2016 Women’s NCAA final four needs to be relocated and the NFL combine should pull out from Indianapolis.

The law itself isn’t as cut-and-dry as the politcal fighting suggests, but it certainly creates opportunities for discrimination and I don’t see how it can stand up under the Equal Protection Clause. The biggest indictment of its purpose comes from the bill’s sponsor who said “The focus has been on same-sex marriage because that’s the hot topic right now, but it goes far beyond that,” i.e. this is about allowing businesses to refuse to serve an entire class of people.  I am not a lawyer, but that sounds awful not-constitutional to me. Businesses all over the country are pushing back against the governor, threatening  lower investment or leave the state altogether.

GM rocks the rainbow in support of equality

Steve Nash, a man who once dropped 31 points and 8 assists on the Spurs while losing a total of seven pints of blood is retiring without a without winning a title. He joins an exclusive club with only three other members who have been selected for MVP (Nash twice!) but never taken home the trophy.

Ech

Today’s burning question: Is baseball a real sport?

A: No. Anything you can play with a mouth full of shredded weeds is not a sport.

Double ech

Andy Reid is your dad

ESPN Sports Nation has a poll out right now on who will win the tournament, Kentucky or the field. Kentucky narrowly edges the field 52%-48% with 900,000 votes. Is this the wisdom of crowds? Will my bracket, broken and bloodied on the hardwood be vaguely redeemed because I went with the 37-0 team to win it all? No it won’t.

You suck

Now rocking a Hawaiian shirt and white cargo shorts, Andy Reid is almost finished transition from NFL coach to suburban dad. Strap on some New Balance 624s and come build me a deck!

And how is YOUR bracket, I ask empty beer pitcher #3

March madness begins every year like spring, with renewed hope and optimism. Perhaps this will be my year to find love, get that promotion, not have my bracket annihilated by a mid-major 8-seed.

Villanova, you heartbreaker. I had you in the final and you gave up the ghost in the round of 32.

True strength

NC State rampaged through my bracket and now I can only watch from the sideline as my horrible co-workers gloat their way to the sweet sixteen. Villanova missed 3-pointer after 3-pointer, muffed dunks, gave up steals, and generally moped their way around the court for 40 minutes. North Carolina on the other hand played like they deserved to be there with great designed plays, killer shooting, and oh-so-sweet passing. What does this mean going forward? I’m not a scientist but I’m fairly certain I’ve been mathematically eliminated from contention so I’m fully on the NC bandwagon. If they can knock out Louisville at least Anesh from accounting will shut the hell up.

Shut your pie-hole Anesh

The unbearable lightness of Bill Walton

It was a banner month for college basketball fans and first time LSD users thanks to the dadaist musings of Bill Walton. From the USC-Oregon game:

“Bob Dylan, Bill Russell, Thomas Edison, the light is on, throw it down Snoop Dogg! Please, how about a pass?” 

Bill Walton debuted a new poem structure called the Waiku – 6-7-6 stanza instead of 5-7-5; this kind of knowledge can’t fit into 17 syllables:

People just get uglier

and I have no sense of time

that’s why I bring the clock

Now, technically he attributes it to Bob Dylan but I did a small amount of Internet-based research and couldn’t make the connection so I’m putting this on Bill.

Like many other men of his age Walton has milked cows, though he stands apart having been milked. He is strongly for Volcanoes and Liza Minnelli.

Tall drink of awesome

In baseball news John Madden is furious with Will Ferrel after the comedian spent a day running around MLB training camps in Arizona playing each position in a charity event to raise money for cancer research. Madden felt it was disrespectful to the work players put in to get to the major leagues. As during his commentating career Madden’s “analysis” is worthless and eye-rolling. It also reveals baseball’s fundamental insecurity over being a hobby invented by fat racists instead of a real sport.

Short drink of douche

Karen from sales will win the office pool plus parenting advice from Richard Sherman!

To wit:

• Julius Thomas has caught enough touchdowns from Peyton Manning and is ready to settle in for some nice weather and $9 million from the Jaguars. Not bad for a guy who had one catch for five yards when he started his third year in the NFL.

• The Dolphins, for some reason, decided to spend a hundred million dollars on a defensive tackle who is not J.J. Watt. Ndamukong Suh will make nine figures to make an 8-8 team a 10-6 team, as ESPN’s James Walker puts it (although he say’s Suh is worth it).

• Richard Sherman says he wouldn’t trade his child for a Super Bowl win, the big pushover.

March Madness is coming up which means we’ll be hearing our annual ream of nonsense about loss of productivity. It is a total myth and in fact every business should have an employee pool.

Good luck with your garbage bracket, Karen

Bovada is taking bets on whether female UFC phenom Rhonda Rousey will ever face a man in the octagon. If you are the betting type they are taking 25-1 against. Those are terrible odds, it should be at least 500-1. You think the UFC wants to televise a fistfight between a man and a woman after a national campaign by pro sports to raise awareness of domestic abuse?

Still, 30-0 ain’t beanbag

Finally and most importantly, David Hasselhoff has been cast in Sharknado 3.

This week’s question: Is baseball a real sport?

Baseball is not a real sport.

Jordan is a billionaire, the Thunder will win it all, and is baseball really a sport?

Tuesday schmoozeday let’s get to it.

Jordan is a Billionaire

According to the newsers at CNBC your 401(k) is having a solid run. “By the end of the first quarter of this year, the average 401(k) was worth $88,600, up from $46,200 on average five years ago, according a the report released Tuesday.” Hey that’s pretty good, almost doubling. Guess what? You and Michael Jordan have a lot in common! His investment in the Bobcats almost doubled as well: from $410 million to $725 million. MJ is now worth a cool one-point-oh billion. You can bring up your samesies the next time he yells at you about your underwear.

OKC Bringing Title Home

High fashion

Oklahoma City AKA the Mexico of Witchita will likely hang a championship banner from Chesapeake Energy Arena. Why will they do this? Because Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook are very good at playing basketball. Given, the OKC Thunder look more like Days of Thunder recently but the team has plenty of time to get healthy (and a little depth, unlike last year) before the playoffs. Durant’s foot and Westbrook’s zygomatic arch bone will get better and the team around them is poised to go the distance. Via Bleacher Report:

As the new additions become more acclimated, the Thunder will develop into a well-rounded team that can hurt you in a number of ways. Kanter can score down low. Ibaka can space the floor. Westbrook and Durant can do pretty much anything they want on the court. If one pin goes down, the team now has two others waiting in the wings to step up.

Agreed

Is Baseball Really a Sport?

No